the road ahead

19 Goals for a Joyful 2019

It’s 62 degrees outdoors, and a high, thin fog hugs naked branches painted on a flat, gray sky. Though unseasonably warm, the gloomy weather feels appropriate in this moment, on the last day of 2018. The gifts once nestled beneath my Christmas tree have been unwrapped, the plaid tree skirt left bare, and while the tree’s white lights still twinkle, they’ll soon be extinguished, too.

I’ve never really made New Year’s resolutions, at least not the classic, eat-better-and-exercise-more variety that pack gyms throughout the first few weeks of January. Instead, I view the holiday as a chance to reflect on the past 12 months and set goals for the next 12 and beyond.

In some ways, my own 2018 will be difficult to beat. I ran four races in three states. I took a top-three finish in a 10K and wore a blindfold in a half marathon. I landed national coverage in Runner’s World.

CLT Marathon 2018

My sweet son, Jack, made me a mom in September.

newborn Jack

I appeared in a short film, “At the Edge of Hope,” highlighting inspiring stories in the fight against rare disease. I spoke at TEDxCharlotte again, this time as a special guest. I published my first book, “Run to the Light,” a true story of what it means to believe. My peers at the agency where I work in content marketing named me employee of the year. I also said goodbye to my sister, Taylor, a true hero and the inspiration for everything I do. Taylor died following her long battle with Batten disease just six days after my son was born.

When I look back at 2018 years from now, I think I’ll remember it as a rare collision of indescribable pain and immense joy. There won’t be another one like it, yet I’m excited to look forward and make the best of this next trip around the sun. So, without further ado, here’s a quick look at 19 goals I hope to accomplish in 2019.

  1. Eat clean. Not a diet, this is more of a lifelong commitment to eating whole, minimally processed, satisfying foods. I cook from “Run Fast Eat Slow” and its sequel, penned by American distance running icon Shalane Flanagan and chef Elyse Kopecky, almost every day of the week. Following the principles outlined in these books gives me more energy and happiness as well as fewer migraines and burnouts.
  2. Save more. I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to see and experience some of the most beautiful places on this beautiful planet, from the blue glaciers of Montana to the green fins of Kauai. By finding creative ways to save, I can ensure my son grows up experiencing the world’s wonders, too.
  3. Choose time over money. This may seem like it contradicts the previous goal, but in those instances where spending a little more money gives me more time with the people I love, I’ll always spend more. This may mean using a grocery delivery service or ordering my clothes online.
  4. Get more sleep. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to sleep with a newborn. Caring for my son, especially now that I’m back at work full-time, makes me so tired that I’m more than happy to turn out the lights at 11 p.m. (early in this house).
  5. Try new things. Whether it’s a new restaurant or a new trail, I’ll welcome new experiences and treat each one like an adventure.
  6. Get back on the trails. I was pregnant for 75 percent of 2018, so I didn’t get to spend much time hiking or running trails. In 2019, I want to get back to getting lost in nature, and this time, I’ll get to take my son along for some of the ride.
  7. Run in at least three states. With 21 states in the books, I’m almost halfway to my goal of running in all 50 to honor Taylor’s legacy and raise awareness of Batten disease. Those daycare tuition bills may make it tougher to hop on a plane in 2019, but I’d like to aim for at least three states. California and Wyoming are already on the books. Where else should I go?
  8. Set a new PR. I have almost all of my pre-baby fitness back, and I’d love to set a new personal record (PR) for at least one of three distances – 10K, 10 miler and half marathon – in 2019.
  9. Make more music. I inherited a grand piano in 2010. I grew up playing this piano when I visited my grandmother, and I can’t wait to teach Jack to make music with it.
  10. Start book number two. Whether I finish the young adult (YA) novel I drafted in college, start writing the YA fantasy idea I’ve been chewing on for months or pick up something entirely new, I need a project.
  11. Dabble in a new book genre. I studied fiction writing in college, and my first book is a memoir. Having a small human under my roof has rekindled my love for picture books, chapter books and middle grade novels. I’d love to start writing (and illustrating) stories for kids again.
  12. Keep showing book number one the love. I like to tell Jack thanks for making me a mommy. Well, “Run to the Light” made me an author, and though it hit shelves in November, I know I have to work hard to keep it in the eyes and minds and hearts of readers. I’ll get started with a book signing and reading at Greensboro’s Scuppernong Books on January 5. Want to hear about other upcoming events? Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
  13. Grow as a pro. I’d love to write books all day, but I’m blessed to have a job that allows me to write about different things all day. I’m committed to building and developing my content marketing career in 2019, especially on the strategy side as well as mentoring younger writers.
  14. Be a good mother to my son. Becoming a mommy is the best thing I’ve ever done. And no matter what goals or challenges I take on in 2019 and beyond, raising Jack is my most important job.
  15. Be a good wife. This may mean something different for everyone. For me, I married my best friend and won’t let that change, even as we tackle new stressors like parenthood.
  16. Have fun. I’m hyper focused, but I still like to have fun. In 2019, I’m giving myself an unlimited free pass to eat ice cream, play games or do nothing at all – whatever I need in that moment to relieve stress and be happy.
  17. Be present. I’m not sure real balance exists, especially for working moms. But if I can’t be all things to all people, and if I can’t be everywhere at once, I can at least commit to being present and focused on the moment at all times, whether I’m working on the computer, running in the woods or having dinner with my family.
  18.  Choose joy. Confronted with terrible loss and great pain, my sister always chose joy. And living as she did is one of the best ways to honor Taylor’s legacy.
  19. Don’t forget to look backward. I think people celebrate the New Year as a fresh start and a chance to move forward. But I’ll never forget where I’ve been – the pain or the joy.

Do you make New Year’s resolutions? What are your goals for 2019?

Laura and Jack

A Letter to My Infant Son

Tonight, it will be 10 weeks since you told me you were on your way. And for the next 30 hours, you inched forward on your journey into the world, giving me plenty of time to think about how my life would change when you finally arrived.

Thirty hours is nothing, of course, compared to the 36 years I waited to meet you or even the 12 years I waited after I married your daddy. First, I waited because I was young. Later, I waited because I was scared. Scared of facing tough choices. Struggling to find balance. Forgetting who I was before I became a mom.

I was afraid because I knew you’d turn my life upside down.

I’m so glad you did.

I fell in love with you the moment they placed you on my chest. I loved your tiny hands and feet and the delicate red fuzz on your head and the way you knew me as if we’d already spent nine months together, because we had.

I love to wear you against my body and feel the squeeze of tiny arms and hands as they clutch my sides and the little puffs of your breath, warm through my shirt. I love how you imitate the whale sounds I first played for you in the hospital room we shared. I love how you shrug your shoulders when you sleep. I love how your blue eyes crinkle at the corners when you smile. I love how they look into mine when I hold you.

I love how every day with you is exactly the same yet entirely new. How you can look at the turning blades of the ceiling fan in your room or the white lights on your first Christmas tree or your own face in the mirror with the kind of wonder adults experience maybe only once or twice or three times in a year. How you make things like reading and writing and running harder but also better.

I miss the things I did before I had you, but not as much as I miss you when we’re apart.

I want time to stand still, but I can’t wait to watch you grow up. I want to share my joy for words and art and music and the outdoors with you, but I’ll be okay if you don’t love them like I do.

I love the beautiful, perfect baby you are today and the kind, brave man I hope you will become.

I wasn’t sure I wanted this adventure, but now I can’t imagine life without you. Because you’re the best thing I’ve ever done.

petroglyph family

Running Toward Motherhood

I’m going to be a mom.

Today, I’m in week 22 of what BabyCenter and The Bump and my doctor say should be a 39-week journey, and I’m excited.

Okay. Actually, I’m terrified.

I married my high school sweetheart in 2006. For 12 years, I’ve been perfectly happy working full-time in marketing, hiking remote trails in Utah slot canyons and Washington rainforests whenever I feel like getting on a plane (and can afford it), dashing off to run out-of-town races and working by the glow of my laptop at all hours of the night. Writing a book. Scheduling tweets. Running a charity on the side. I’ve made time for my family, but I’ve never had time for kids.

Then, I turned 35. And a little voice in my head whispered, “What if?” What if I wanted to have kids later and couldn’t? Would I regret it? I’d certainly have enough to stay busy. But would I feel whole? Could I leave a real mark on the world without contributing my DNA?

I think I told my husband I could do this the same day I realized I’d never know the answers to those questions, regardless of whether or not I took the leap.

I don’t regret jumping. But I’m still scared.

I don’t want to struggle to find real balance for the next 20 years.

I don’t want to suffer from mommy guilt if I miss a Kodak moment because I went for a run.

I don’t want to have to always choose between reading a bedtime story or writing my next book.

I don’t want to leave all of the squeeze-through-slot-canyons and hang-from-the-side-of-a-mountain and run-another-half-marathon-blindfolded adventures on my bucket list unchecked.

I don’t want to forget who I am or who I was before I became a mom.

But I also don’t want to miss an opportunity to share this amazing world of ours with my son. To teach him to love the sunlight on his face and the ground beneath his feet. To watch him grow into first a boy, then a man, with his own hopes and dreams and loves and fears.

That’s why I’m scared but excited, too. Why I already call him by the name that we chose for him. Why I wasn’t upset when I ran a half marathon last weekend and took almost 30 minutes longer than normal to reach the finish line. Why I started Pinterest boards to collect cute nursery ideas (I went with a woodlands theme to symbolize his parents’ shared love for hiking) and miniature boy clothes and encouraging quotes.

I don’t think I’ll ever find real balance (a mother friend recently told me that balance is bullshit). I hear myself tell friends that within eight weeks of my due date, I’ll launch a book and run 13.1 miles blindfolded and go back to work, and I know I sound crazy. But here, at 22 weeks, I’m starting to realize that I’m okay with that.

Because I know that no matter how crazy it gets, it will still be the greatest adventure of all.